Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Compo story 1 (edited by me and checked by Catherine :D)
I stole a glance at Mark. Ever since Mark had become a head prefect, I knew that I had lost to him. I became a loser in front of him and his gang. I lost my face completely and now I was surviving in my own ‘world’. I had no friends. None at all.
When Mark and I were Primary 1, we were in the same class. I could remember vividly that we were the best of the best friends. We encouraged each other, helped each other when we had problems. Mark then soon became my “brother” and we respected each other. However, things soon changed when we reached Primary 5 as we had an argument. Mark did not talk to me at all after that and we soon became enemies. I felt remorseful but I did not have the courage to apologize to him.
Mark looked down on me when he was chosen to be the head prefect and I was the assistant head prefect. However, I was happy in another hand as my results were better than him and in fact, it was the best in class. I always sit at the back of the class and I was really lonely. I had no one to talk to.
While I was trudging home, I passed by an empty shop which was going to be opened soon. As I was trying to look what was inside, something caught my attention. A sound was coming from a corner of the alley next to the shop. It was familiar. The next moment, I could recognize it without a doubt. It was Mark! He was with his two “accomplice”, Robert and Steve. They seemed to be demanding money from a little, scrawny boy. The boy was so thin that his bone could be seen from the outer. He was also very weak. He crouched at a corner and sobbed helplessly.
“Give me your money and I will let you go! Hand me your money!” Mark bellowed. I knew he wanted money to buy a new MP3 as I heard his friends say that Mark wanted it badly.
I looked at Mark once again. His long disheveled hair fell over his face, hiding his expression. He wore a loose, ill-fitting jacket over his school attire as he did not want to be caught. Robert and Steve had square, chiseled jaw and broad shoulders. Even though they looked as if they were good people, I knew that I could not “judge a book by its cover”.
I watched them kicking the boy hardly on his stomach and the boy was shouting for help loudly. I knew that I had to do something about it. I could not let the poor boy suffered. I had an urge to somehow save him. I was the only one who could do it but I knew I was a coward. Then, I decided to do it. I ran forward and shielded the boy. They were taken aback but soon let out a demonic laughter.
“Richard, do you think you can protect him? I think you should protect yourself first! A loser like you should think before you act otherwise you will get yourself in trouble! ” Mark teased me.
This time, it was for real. I had hit the roof and it seemed that I was at the end of my tether. Like a mad dog, I charged forward to them and gave each of them a powerful punch. Then, I took them down one by one. They lay on the floor, grimacing in pain. I was shocked. Did I win them?
I continued to kick them till Mark cried out, “Sorry, Tom..! Let me go! I will not make fun of you anymore! Just let me go! I beg you!”
However, I was not pleased. I wanted him to pay back what he had treated me for those years but I could not bear to hit him. He was still my friend after all. I knew I should not continue to attack him. I stopped myself and started to break down. Big tears rolled down my cheeks. I wiped them away and told myself that I should be happy as I had beat Mark for the very first time. I smiled. I felt that I was like 'Superman' flying in the sky at that moment. Before I left him there, I said in a cold tone and warned him, "I will let you off this time. There will not be another time. Trust me." When he heard it, he shook in fear as I had an evil grin on my face. I then left the alley.
I talked to the boy, assuring that he was safe and even treated him to a lollipop at a nearby shop. When he grinned from ear to ear while licking the lollipop, my heart softened and I gave a broad grin. I continued to chat to him until the sun set. I went home after that, feeling victorious.
The next day, I was shocked. Little did I know that the boy’s parents had told the principle about the incident! I was given a badge for my courage and Mark, together with his two “accomplice”, had a public caning. I was known to be a hero after that, and I was the most popular person in my school!
“Is this a dream?” I asked myself.
The End~

1 comment:

**Carpe diem** said...

This plot is better but just wondering what were Mark's accomplices doing when you were whacking him and what was the little boy doing also?

Not realistic for you to be able to take down three guys at one go.

Take note of your paragraphing. Many "lumps".

The intro giving the background was too long and is all the info really necessary? You didn't really need it in the climax at all or you didn't really use all the content there for the story. Perhaps you can shorten it or reveal it through some dialogue later in the climax. Think about it.

Errors:
a)kicking the boy hardly on his stomach

- kick the boy hard

b) I lost my face completely

- cannot use this. Not formal. Must rephrase.

c) in the other hand

- on the other hand

C- 16
L-17

33 marks

Fix those links and your content can be higher.